Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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