allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
