The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
