Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
