She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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