my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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