...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
