i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
