last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
