I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
