good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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