god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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