Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
