I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
