so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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