Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The struggles of a small town man whore
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
