I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
