He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
