Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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