Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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