Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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