one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
