I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
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Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
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I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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