There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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