you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
