I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
and she was petting her beer can
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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