Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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