maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
