Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize