yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
