Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I still have a little drunk in my system
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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