I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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