even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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