forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
i think my cat just said my name.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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