need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
