Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
