Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
