note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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