just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
