I wish I could teleport
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
