it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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