i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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