Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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