how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
