My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
