yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
