meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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