i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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