Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
