I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
