OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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