Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
