new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
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I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
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He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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