I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
