I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
