Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
