I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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