you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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